Quarreling is an art. Some people grew up in quarrels, some were hurt, some marriages became increasingly harmonious, and some partners resolutely separated. The difference lies in whether the two sides have a good grasp of the degree of quarrel and whether they have crossed the following eight red lines of marital disputes.
don’t use negative tone
“You never care about children” and “you always forget important things” are all negating each other’s efforts for marriage and family. Wang Yuru, President of Shanghai Psychological Counseling Association, told the life times that if you deny the other party’s role, such as “my colleague’s husband is much better than you”; Erase the value of the other party, such as “you can’t do anything well”; Expressing negative expectations, such as “don’t overdo it if you can’t go on, divorce” – are all “angry words” that seriously affect the stability of marriage. In fact, only when you feel the attention and affirmation of the other party, and feel that your efforts have received positive feedback, can you respond with a positive attitude.
don’t involve a “third party”
When an altercation occurs, as long as the person concerned with the other party, whether parents, friends, colleagues or neighbors, may be regarded as “birds of a feather”. A bellyful of anger will also spread to these innocent people. “We bought a house, but your parents didn’t pay for it.” “what will your friends do except coax you to spend money and cheat you to go out for fun”… British psychologists pointed out that involving relatives and friends in a quarrel will expand the battlefield.
don’t make things out of nothing
“You never ask me for advice. You always make your own decisions!” “Whatever you want! No matter what I do, you won’t like me.” Xiao Zheng asked her husband to order a new TV. After it arrived, she began to complain that her husband did not respect her opinions. A civil war broke out. This dialogue is a model of “making things out of nothing”, the root of which is poor communication. Leng Li, a consultant of Shanghai happy life marriage consulting company, pointed out that a smart wife should know how to give her husband “sugar coated bullets”. It’s better to tell the truth than to accuse the other party angrily. For example, “the things you bought are very good. I’m not happy just because I didn’t help, which makes me feel like I didn’t try my best.”
don’t vent your anger
It is often heard that some couples complain to each other, “it’s you who make me lose my temper and lose face” or “it’s you who NAG and make me miss important calls”. However, you should bear your own mistakes and not vent your anger on your lover. Wang Yuru points out that the real intimacy is that every family member can openly reveal his or her true self, thoughts and feelings without being ridiculed, rejected or angered.
don’t mention the past anymore
This is easy to turn “sesame” into “watermelon”, and it is difficult to end in the end. To avoid this problem, the husband and wife should “make three rules” and agree that “all mistakes made one month ago will not be mentioned again”. In this way, both sides feel that they can “start afresh” and do not have to bear the burden of making mistakes in the past.
don’t talk about “divorce”
Threats and intimidation between husband and wife are the most destructive. In particular, some wives like to talk about “divorce”. This is the most taboo question for middle-aged couples. Middle aged people are old and young. They have great pressure in life and many temptations outside. When they quarrel, they say divorce, which will give the other party a negative impression. They feel that whoever leaves can live, so they simply leave.
less mixing by elders
Parents often have a “calf protection mentality”, only considering the interests of their children, and ignoring the mutual relationship of children in marriage and the common interests of husband and wife. As a result, the young couple may form two factions under the “advice” of their parents, and even induce a struggle for power within marriage, which will slightly erase their feelings. Therefore, when a couple quarrels, it is best to avoid their elders and not complain about each other in front of their parents.
the cold war is a war of attrition
After the quarrel, he deliberately didn’t answer the other party’s phone, regarded the other party as air, and moved back to his mother’s house in anger.. the cold war is like a gamble. The gamble is patience, to see who compromises first. But the price is that the feelings are constantly cooling down. Leng Li’s advice: if the husband and wife are deadlocked for more than 48 hours, negative emotions will overwhelm love or gratitude, and the relationship will easily deteriorate, leading to more contradictions. This is very undesirable.
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